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Author : Brikene Bunjaku

I have come to realize that for most of my life I have pushed away, ran from, dodged and avoided the very things that I have craved at some deeper level. I was more focused on how things “should be” rather than how things “are”. How I should live life, what my personal relationship should be like, what my relationship with my parents and family should be like, that kind of mother I should be, the way my child should grow up, the way I should grow old, what connection to other should be/feel like, what I should feel about myself. Reading this, it feels as if I deluded myself into thinking that life can be controlled.

The past few years feel as if I have spent them in a fog, a haze, swirling in a hurricane; fighting with myself, fighting with the world, fighting with fate, flinging my hands around trying to grab something solid to pull me out and keep me grounded. I have been spiraling downwards at such speed, that very often my mind couldn’t cope. However, looking back, seeing the hurricane, feeling myself being flung around, I realize that throughout the whole time I was alone. As much as I wanted people to anchor me, I didn’t allow myself to be anchored because it wasn’t the anchor I “should” have. How can it be that there was such a disconnect in me? I needed people around me, my consciousness was aware of that, but how can it be that unconsciously I pushed everyone away because I didn’t perceive them as the “right” people? After years of asking the universe for the connections I longed to have, of wondering why things aren’t happening the way I want them to happen, of being angry and afraid, I gave up. Resistance got the better of me. But the universe had other plans for me.

They say “be careful what you wish for” and rightly so. It is not the wish coming true that is the dreaded part, it’s really understanding your wish and what you have to do for that wish to come true. Your part and journey in all of this. In my case, I had to open my mind! It was not easy, there was lots of screaming, kicking and dragging involved, but I have finally started opening my mind. And it has been painful. It has been painful to realize how blind I have been all these years, how prejudiced, narrow minded, and immature, while all the time I thought I was clearheaded, accepting, even enlightened.. The things I have wished for had always been there, just not how I thought they “should” be. Furthermore, I had expected instant fulfilment of my wish, without realizing how much work I would have to do to appreciate them more once I got them and never take them for granted.

I am in a twister now, but I am no longer afraid of the downward spiral or grappling around for a hold. I know that there are quite some twists left but I also know that when I reach the end, I will reach the pot of gold.

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The author is a former United Nations spouse and for eight years she and their child accompanied her spouse in his duty stations in two continents. Brikene is in the process of settling down and establishing a routine.

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Tags:   self-reflection

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Submitted : 2015-03-01    Word Count : 529    Times Viewed: 1290